Wind

....an ode to lonliness

I sat and listened as the wind blew through the trees. It had suddenly turned cold, and although I was looking forward to the storm, and I love weather, something inside me felt foreboding, pulling at my heart. I looked up to see the oak trees swaying violently in the rushing air. It was like a hymn calling me home. Why did it fill me up so? It reminded me of how short life is.

I caught sight of a lone hawk far above the trees, floating on the wind. He seemed joyful somehow, as if he had waited a very long time for the gusts to be this strong. I stood listening to the sounds around me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness deep in my soul. I rarely feel that kind of loneliness anymore, yet it came on so suddenly that it took me back to the child who would lie awake for hours, listening to the sounds of the house. Waiting. Waiting for something. What was she waiting for? Listening and knowing that something would or could happen. I lie awake still. Listening to the sounds of my own home. The breathing of those that I love. Missing those who are gone and still waiting, listening, and on alert.

We make choices in life that create our paths, and there are choices made for us when we are very young that we have no say in. Am I repeating the choices made for me in my youth into my adult life? Have I always? Am I destined for a solitary heart?

In Mary Oliver’s poem about the summer, she asks, What will you do with your one wild and precious life? I think about this line all the time. I love life. I feel alive and joyful often, and I seek adventure, closeness, romance, love, discovery, and kindness. There is so much ahead and so much yet to do. I love the wild of it. Yet, it is also elusive. I grab it, and it slips through my fingers too quickly.

Recently, I was standing near the lake when two black and white ducks swam slowly around the water. I had never seen ducks that looked like that at our local lake. Were they there just for me that day? They never got too far from each other, but they weren’t together all the time. Each was acutely aware of where the other was in their circle. A few times, they came close and had a moment of anger, but it resolved instantly, and they swam on-still looking for each other. I worried about them for a few days. They seemed so in tune, so complete. What if one of them was hurt or injured? What would the other do? Did they know loneliness? Do they really know their place in the world? Is it that simple?

I have had such pure blissful moments in this lifetime. Such connections. How do I make them stay? Are they destined to leave? Will I forever be like that hawk…waiting for the wind to lift me, to sail and move on? To float away…